The Wedding Expert: Steve's wedding advice after thousands of weddings officiated
Friday, June 25, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Wacky Weddings: The Body Builders
I thought the guy was scary but when I met the bride I thought I was in trouble. I am a pretty big guy but this bride had my biceps by a few inches and hers were firm with the veins popping out of them. The Wedding Dress was essentially Spandex with a veil.
The groom filled out his tux but because of the body shape his muscles forced him to get a few sizes bigger than what looked good. So while his arms were tight and ready to split some seams, the tux didn't follow his 24 inch waist and so he looked almost comical.
The guests were similarly buffed up and filled with tattoos. I just got the feeling that if I said one wrong word or one joke that no-one laughed at; I would be crushed. Literally.
So with trepidation I began the service. The wedding planners at the chapel backed out of the door carefully once we started to run to the safety of the video room. They wanted to watch to see if I was going to make it through unscathed.
I got to the vows and the groom couldn't say them. He began blubbering like a small child and I ended up putting my hand on his shoulder to say "It's alright..." The bride teared up and then so did most of the guests. He could bench press a thousand pounds but he couldn't make it through his vows without tears.
I believe they were exercising a muscle that doesn't often get the use it should. I was tugging and putting weight on their hearts and they responded. I love it when I see the physically strong and confident reduced to tears when their heart is involved.
That is until the end when I got at least six bone crushing hugs from the couple and their friends.
The groom filled out his tux but because of the body shape his muscles forced him to get a few sizes bigger than what looked good. So while his arms were tight and ready to split some seams, the tux didn't follow his 24 inch waist and so he looked almost comical.
The guests were similarly buffed up and filled with tattoos. I just got the feeling that if I said one wrong word or one joke that no-one laughed at; I would be crushed. Literally.
So with trepidation I began the service. The wedding planners at the chapel backed out of the door carefully once we started to run to the safety of the video room. They wanted to watch to see if I was going to make it through unscathed.
I got to the vows and the groom couldn't say them. He began blubbering like a small child and I ended up putting my hand on his shoulder to say "It's alright..." The bride teared up and then so did most of the guests. He could bench press a thousand pounds but he couldn't make it through his vows without tears.
I believe they were exercising a muscle that doesn't often get the use it should. I was tugging and putting weight on their hearts and they responded. I love it when I see the physically strong and confident reduced to tears when their heart is involved.
That is until the end when I got at least six bone crushing hugs from the couple and their friends.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Bloody Bride
This was a wedding to remember. The bloody bride was not some Halloween hoax or game (I’ve seen those too). The bloody bride ended up in the hospital.
Let me set the stage for you. There was just three of them at a Las Vegas chapel. The groom was new money, in his 50’s and had been married a number of times before. The bride was in her mid 20’s with the best body money can buy (IF you know what I mean). The father of the bride looked like he just came out of some backwoods somewhere: missing teeth, unkempt, thin, white wispy hair, tux hanging on him like a kid trying to fill his father’s clothes.
The groom and I waited in the chapel and I asked for the rings to put them on a pedestal in the front of the chapel yet he would not part with them. “They cost over $50,000!” he said to me, “I am not letting them out of my sight!” We finally compromised in putting them on the pedestal but having him not leave the room and walk in for the video.
The bride walked in on the arm of her father and we started the ceremony. At the time for the rings I picked up the box and, not touching the expensive rings, I offered the open box to him. While taking her ring out of the box the little finger holding the ring in was a little tougher to open than anticipated and he fumbled the ring. With a gasp from both of them the ring fell to the ground between them ... they both went for it ... at the same time.
You could hear the “CRACK!” of her nose as it broke against his forehead when the both went for the ring. She staggered back and I could see her nose bleeding profusely. Blood quickly filled her cleavage and all down her white dress as I helped her to the ground. We keep tissues around for other reasons (like tears of joy) but now the entire box was used on stopping the flow from the blood bride. The groom was little better, no blood but a nasty bump on his forehead. Soon the ambulance and security was swarming the chapel and took all three away. I never knew if they eventually got married or not.
I do know that when I walked back into the chapel after all the craziness I found the $50,000 ring, long forgotten, still on the ground. It is good to know that in the middle of all the posing and bragging the priority was in the right place.
Let me set the stage for you. There was just three of them at a Las Vegas chapel. The groom was new money, in his 50’s and had been married a number of times before. The bride was in her mid 20’s with the best body money can buy (IF you know what I mean). The father of the bride looked like he just came out of some backwoods somewhere: missing teeth, unkempt, thin, white wispy hair, tux hanging on him like a kid trying to fill his father’s clothes.
The groom and I waited in the chapel and I asked for the rings to put them on a pedestal in the front of the chapel yet he would not part with them. “They cost over $50,000!” he said to me, “I am not letting them out of my sight!” We finally compromised in putting them on the pedestal but having him not leave the room and walk in for the video.
The bride walked in on the arm of her father and we started the ceremony. At the time for the rings I picked up the box and, not touching the expensive rings, I offered the open box to him. While taking her ring out of the box the little finger holding the ring in was a little tougher to open than anticipated and he fumbled the ring. With a gasp from both of them the ring fell to the ground between them ... they both went for it ... at the same time.
You could hear the “CRACK!” of her nose as it broke against his forehead when the both went for the ring. She staggered back and I could see her nose bleeding profusely. Blood quickly filled her cleavage and all down her white dress as I helped her to the ground. We keep tissues around for other reasons (like tears of joy) but now the entire box was used on stopping the flow from the blood bride. The groom was little better, no blood but a nasty bump on his forehead. Soon the ambulance and security was swarming the chapel and took all three away. I never knew if they eventually got married or not.
I do know that when I walked back into the chapel after all the craziness I found the $50,000 ring, long forgotten, still on the ground. It is good to know that in the middle of all the posing and bragging the priority was in the right place.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Fun with Dresses
Women; I know you love the perfect dress. When you buy that special dress you always dreamed of you see it on you, perfect and comfortable. As a guy who has seen A LOT of dresses and accidents, let me give you a little advice. You can take it or leave it.
- I have had a number of weddings where the dress was simply too tight. We had a hard time keeping the bride conscious. It wasn’t until the Wedding Planner loosened something up that we could proceed and she didn’t faint.
- Front cleavage is great (especially for us guys) but back cleavage is wrong, just wrong. Ladies, you know what I mean: it looks great when you look in the mirror from the front but from the back? Seriously, fix the back cleavage.
- Dress length at the store is for display and not for walking. Strapless dresses look great (again, especially for us guys) but a long, strapless dress is a disaster in the making. Picture walking down the aisle in all your glory and stepping on the front of your dress; with no straps holding it up your are now REALLY in all your glory. Or picture walking up the steps to the “altar” or whatever. I can’t tell you how many times I and the whole wedding party have been flashed by the bride with a long strapless dress.
- Black dresses are cool. Different, elegant, and they don’t mean anything other than you are daring, with style.
- Width is important. Remember the venue and the aisle you are walking down. I have seen a LOT of wide dresses take out a row of chairs as they walk down the aisle. I have seen father’s swallowed up in dress as they attempt to walk down the aisle. IF you have a wide dress make sure the aisles are made wide for you. If your dress is to wide for dad to get close to you then have him stand with you at the front of the chapel and not walk the whole way, that way you won’t inadvertently knock him into the bleacher section.
I’m not an expert on dresses. I’ve just seen a lot. Take it for what it is worth.
- I have had a number of weddings where the dress was simply too tight. We had a hard time keeping the bride conscious. It wasn’t until the Wedding Planner loosened something up that we could proceed and she didn’t faint.
- Front cleavage is great (especially for us guys) but back cleavage is wrong, just wrong. Ladies, you know what I mean: it looks great when you look in the mirror from the front but from the back? Seriously, fix the back cleavage.
- Dress length at the store is for display and not for walking. Strapless dresses look great (again, especially for us guys) but a long, strapless dress is a disaster in the making. Picture walking down the aisle in all your glory and stepping on the front of your dress; with no straps holding it up your are now REALLY in all your glory. Or picture walking up the steps to the “altar” or whatever. I can’t tell you how many times I and the whole wedding party have been flashed by the bride with a long strapless dress.
- Black dresses are cool. Different, elegant, and they don’t mean anything other than you are daring, with style.
- Width is important. Remember the venue and the aisle you are walking down. I have seen a LOT of wide dresses take out a row of chairs as they walk down the aisle. I have seen father’s swallowed up in dress as they attempt to walk down the aisle. IF you have a wide dress make sure the aisles are made wide for you. If your dress is to wide for dad to get close to you then have him stand with you at the front of the chapel and not walk the whole way, that way you won’t inadvertently knock him into the bleacher section.
I’m not an expert on dresses. I’ve just seen a lot. Take it for what it is worth.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Weddings I’ve Turned Down
As of May 2010, after over ten years of doing weddings in Las Vegas I can say that I have refused to do a wedding only eight times.
Four times because either the bride or the groom or both were drunk. No brainer, when one of them can’t stand and can’t vow to do anything that they will remember in the morning, I tell them to come back when they are sober. One of the times the Wedding Chapel was full of people and we had to cancel. One of the times they got into a limo and went to another chapel and go married there. But all four times the Chapel I was working at supported me in that decision and I appreciated them for it.
I have turned down two weddings because the groom refused to let me talk to the bride. Here’s the picture for both of them. Groom in his late fifties or early sixties. The bride is in her early twenties and usually from a former Soviet Eastern Bloc country like Croatia or Belarus. I know she can speak English because she is allowed to talk to the Wedding Planners but not allowed to talk to me before the wedding. One of the guys literally stood in between us and held her behind him. I will not do a wedding where I am not comfortable that there is no coercion on either part.
One of the weddings I’ve turned down was when the bride and groom got into a serious fight right before the wedding. They were seriously yelling at each other and in each other’s faces with finger pointing. I don’t remember what they were fighting about but it was serious. I finally broke them up and asked them if they still wanted to get married. They both said “YES!” with all their anger directed at me and I told them it was time to sit down and talk. We talked, they got angry at each other again, and I told them this wasn’t the right time.
The last wedding I’ve turned down was a result of family and not the bride and groom. They walked down the aisle together just as the separated mom and dad started to get into a fight over which was to “present” the bride. Instead of disengaging from the situation the bride got into the fight and it got into who paid for this and who said that and it was just a mess. The groom turns to me and says, “Maybe we should do this later”
All the chapels I work at know that I don’t do “commitment ceremonies” whether they are for gay couples or, more often, straight couples who for one reason or another don’t want the paper, just the ceremony. I turn those down whenever I am confronted with them because, basically, they are asking me for a license to sleep with each other or asking me to bless them living together. I won’t do that.
Four times because either the bride or the groom or both were drunk. No brainer, when one of them can’t stand and can’t vow to do anything that they will remember in the morning, I tell them to come back when they are sober. One of the times the Wedding Chapel was full of people and we had to cancel. One of the times they got into a limo and went to another chapel and go married there. But all four times the Chapel I was working at supported me in that decision and I appreciated them for it.
I have turned down two weddings because the groom refused to let me talk to the bride. Here’s the picture for both of them. Groom in his late fifties or early sixties. The bride is in her early twenties and usually from a former Soviet Eastern Bloc country like Croatia or Belarus. I know she can speak English because she is allowed to talk to the Wedding Planners but not allowed to talk to me before the wedding. One of the guys literally stood in between us and held her behind him. I will not do a wedding where I am not comfortable that there is no coercion on either part.
One of the weddings I’ve turned down was when the bride and groom got into a serious fight right before the wedding. They were seriously yelling at each other and in each other’s faces with finger pointing. I don’t remember what they were fighting about but it was serious. I finally broke them up and asked them if they still wanted to get married. They both said “YES!” with all their anger directed at me and I told them it was time to sit down and talk. We talked, they got angry at each other again, and I told them this wasn’t the right time.
The last wedding I’ve turned down was a result of family and not the bride and groom. They walked down the aisle together just as the separated mom and dad started to get into a fight over which was to “present” the bride. Instead of disengaging from the situation the bride got into the fight and it got into who paid for this and who said that and it was just a mess. The groom turns to me and says, “Maybe we should do this later”
All the chapels I work at know that I don’t do “commitment ceremonies” whether they are for gay couples or, more often, straight couples who for one reason or another don’t want the paper, just the ceremony. I turn those down whenever I am confronted with them because, basically, they are asking me for a license to sleep with each other or asking me to bless them living together. I won’t do that.
Monday, May 3, 2010
To OBEY, seriously!
Another old fashioned statement that you don’t have to worry about anymore in wedding ceremonies is the word “obey” appearing in the vows anywhere. I will often joke with the bride and groom that I only put obey in HIS vows. This sets the bride and groom at ease and assures them that the crazy vow doesn’t appear in my “traditional” vows.
It is pretty rare, nowadays, for a traditional couple to ask for “obey” in only the bride’s vows. I will do it if both agree to it. No problem.
As an interesting sideline I have had a few couples who want the word “obey” in BOTH their vows as they promise to obey each other. That is a cool idea as far as I am concerned.
It is pretty rare, nowadays, for a traditional couple to ask for “obey” in only the bride’s vows. I will do it if both agree to it. No problem.
As an interesting sideline I have had a few couples who want the word “obey” in BOTH their vows as they promise to obey each other. That is a cool idea as far as I am concerned.
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