The Perfect Husband

I thought this was funny, so I will share it with you....

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free
speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
Saw the new 2011 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....
The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.
They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.
It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Wacky Weddings: The Body Builders

I thought the guy was scary but when I met the bride I thought I was in trouble. I am a pretty big guy but this bride had my biceps by a few inches and hers were firm with the veins popping out of them. The Wedding Dress was essentially Spandex with a veil.

The groom filled out his tux but because of the body shape his muscles forced him to get a few sizes bigger than what looked good. So while his arms were tight and ready to split some seams, the tux didn't follow his 24 inch waist and so he looked almost comical.

The guests were similarly buffed up and filled with tattoos. I just got the feeling that if I said one wrong word or one joke that no-one laughed at; I would be crushed. Literally.

So with trepidation I began the service. The wedding planners at the chapel backed out of the door carefully once we started to run to the safety of the video room. They wanted to watch to see if I was going to make it through unscathed.

I got to the vows and the groom couldn't say them. He began blubbering like a small child and I ended up putting my hand on his shoulder to say "It's alright..." The bride teared up and then so did most of the guests. He could bench press a thousand pounds but he couldn't make it through his vows without tears.

I believe they were exercising a muscle that doesn't often get the use it should. I was tugging and putting weight on their hearts and they responded. I love it when I see the physically strong and confident reduced to tears when their heart is involved.

That is until the end when I got at least six bone crushing hugs from the couple and their friends.

Weddings I’ve Turned Down

As of May 2010, after over ten years of doing weddings in Las Vegas I can say that I have refused to do a wedding only eight times.

Four times because either the bride or the groom or both were drunk. No brainer, when one of them can’t stand and can’t vow to do anything that they will remember in the morning, I tell them to come back when they are sober. One of the times the Wedding Chapel was full of people and we had to cancel. One of the times they got into a limo and went to another chapel and go married there. But all four times the Chapel I was working at supported me in that decision and I appreciated them for it.

I have turned down two weddings because the groom refused to let me talk to the bride. Here’s the picture for both of them. Groom in his late fifties or early sixties. The bride is in her early twenties and usually from a former Soviet Eastern Bloc country like Croatia or Belarus. I know she can speak English because she is allowed to talk to the Wedding Planners but not allowed to talk to me before the wedding. One of the guys literally stood in between us and held her behind him. I will not do a wedding where I am not comfortable that there is no coercion on either part.

One of the weddings I’ve turned down was when the bride and groom got into a serious fight right before the wedding. They were seriously yelling at each other and in each other’s faces with finger pointing. I don’t remember what they were fighting about but it was serious. I finally broke them up and asked them if they still wanted to get married. They both said “YES!” with all their anger directed at me and I told them it was time to sit down and talk. We talked, they got angry at each other again, and I told them this wasn’t the right time.

The last wedding I’ve turned down was a result of family and not the bride and groom. They walked down the aisle together just as the separated mom and dad started to get into a fight over which was to “present” the bride. Instead of disengaging from the situation the bride got into the fight and it got into who paid for this and who said that and it was just a mess. The groom turns to me and says, “Maybe we should do this later”

All the chapels I work at know that I don’t do “commitment ceremonies” whether they are for gay couples or, more often, straight couples who for one reason or another don’t want the paper, just the ceremony. I turn those down whenever I am confronted with them because, basically, they are asking me for a license to sleep with each other or asking me to bless them living together. I won’t do that.